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What do I want to do in life?

I have never been so confused in life. Seriously. It's such a total mess inside my head. So many things going on, ideas and thoughts colliding with each other, with nothing conclusive happening. It's said that this shouldn't be the case at this stage and age of my life. I should already have got my answers. Seriously? I really want to know what such people are made of, who have successfully lived their lives in such a linear fashion. THEY HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN WHAT THEY HAVE WANTED IN THEIR LIVES! It's just wow! I for once haven't been bestowed with this wonderful power, NOT ONCE. I have never known conclusively what I have wanted in life. In fact, I didn't want to go to school during early childhood once 'coz the teacher used to hit/scold me 'coz I wouldn't do my homework, and once 'coz I was plain tired of school I guess. After the completion of my 10th std., I opted for Science (OMG!) 'coz well, I thought that was what I was supposed to do, though there was no pressure on me to do so. And after Science I opted for Law, 'coz I like English. Now that I have finished law school, what am I supposed to do? What should I do? Work? I tried doing that, but couldn't. I cannot for the love of my life lead that so called modern life. I quit working.

I have now taken to sleeping, sleeping and more sleeping. And reading, and thinking about what I read, and thinking about what I should be reading in stead of the things I am reading now. And thinking about what should I be doing in my life. To make it easier for my poor soul to answer this million dollar question, I have simplified the question itself. What do I like to do? What do I want to do? Chucking everything else, where do I want to belong to?

Well, as an answer, I have these to offer: I do not want to belong to any ONE category of people: NOT a woman, NOT a lawyer, NOT an ideologically bound writer or thinker. I want to be free. I want to travel; travel through space and time, through books, through written words. Yeah, I want to read, read and read, and most importantly, I want to have some one competent and willing to discuss with me about the things I read about, without biases. And, above all, I want to write. Write for myself, write for the humanity, write for all the wisdom of the past and future, write so that I express the energy hidden in me. I also want to sing. That is, get back to singing, get back to learning how to sing. I want to teach, break down complex concepts into simpler pieces of knowledge packets that people can just tuck inside their heads and feel relieved as well as enlightened. I want to teach people about such things which they wouldn't even have heard of in their lives, and want to revel in the innocent fascination with which their faces start glowing when their minds get enlightened when they are exposed to such pure virgin knowledge.

I want to make the quest for knowledge and wisdom as the ultimate goal of my life, 'coz I believe that it's the art that's the dearest to my heart.

I want to be Boundaryless. Above all, I want to keep reminding myself to read this blogpost, whenever I feel I am confused about my life.


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